Why Do I Hate Seal?

Two Scientists and a Scientific Mystery

Each day, on my way home, I turn onto Inner Lake Shore Drive on Chicago’s beautiful North Side and pass a bus stop.  Behind the bundled city goers is a large advertisement for “The Rock Stars of Science”, a campaign founded by Aerosmith’s Joe Perry to rightfully elevate scientists to “rock star status” for their contributions to humanity.  It is a very cool effort that is highlighting the work of wonderful people. 

On this poster for “Rock S.O.S.”, as it is dubbed, there are three gentlemen, two scientists and one familiar face sitting on a stool.  That would be the musician Seal.  Each day, when I drive by that bus stop and see Seal sitting there, on that stool, on that poster, I can only think one thing:

“I really hate that guy.”

Today was the first time I truly considered that statement.  I drove up a couple blocks and parked my car, the entire time thinking, “Why do I hate Seal?”  This is a great question.  Seriously.  There are people that have graced this world that we absolutely despise.  Some of these people for obvious reasons – Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Yoko, etc.  But I am finding that as I grow older and perhaps more jaded and cynical (but otherwise utterly delightful), I hate people just because, well, I hate those bastards.  But why Seal?  I needed to do some soul searching, or as they say these days, Google a bunch of stuff.

I didn’t want to just jump in and hammer on the guy.  I could go the easy route.  I could make face jokes.  I could.  I could say his face looks like he had been caught in a hail storm.  I could say that he should be called “Snake”, not “Seal”, because he looks like a python.  I could go there, but I won’t.  I needed some information because I’m trying to talk myself through the hate and find some solid, logical reasoning. 

When I Googled “Seal”, I ended up his getting ugly face, but I also received lots of pictures of actual seals, and, by God, even baby seals.  That’s a good 15-20 minutes of time right there, baby seal picture watching. There was also information about the U.S. Navy Seals so I had to watch some YouTubes of training, shooting, and other stuff to get the meathead in me brewing.  Even Googling Seal’s damn name is distracting.  I suppose Sting might be worse because not only do I get “Desert Rose” hits, but I also get links to WebMD and pictures of strange insects, but I digress.

It turns out that Seal has a website – www.seal.com.  It seems like “Seal.com” would be reserved for something more deserving – seal conservation, Navy Seal veterans, whatever  – but it’s as if the Internet was invented and Al Gore said, “Whatever you do, save Seal.com for my man, Seal. I owe him one.”

Could I borrow your iPhone? Oh wait, I'm good.

If you venture on to Seal.com, you will find a biography, discography, and other Web standards for musician sites.  My favorite diversion was “Merchandise”.  You read that correctly: THEY SELL SEAL MERCHANDISE.  There are three items in the store: a refrigerator magnet with a silhouette of Seal’s weird naked-ass body on it; an iPhone case with a silhouette of Seal’s weird naked-ass body on it; and one of those Samuel L. Jackson, white-guys-should-not-wear-these hats with a silhouette of Seal’s weird naked-ass body on it.  Imagine any of these items existing anywhere in the real world.  Imagine walking into someone’s kitchen, grazing through the fridge for that emergency Toblerone, only to find it, shut the fridge and lose your lunch because you spotted a Seal magnet.  Imagine having your car break down in the middle of a desert with no cell phone and a person finally shows after hours baking in the relentless desert sun.  You beg them, “Can I please use your phone? Please!” They hand you their iPhone and it has a Seal case.  You wait for the next car.  Imagine standing in line for the bus and look over to see some fat white guy wearing the “Seal Flat Cap” backwards.  You make eye contact.  He smiles, upwardly nods his head, and points to the weird naked-ass silhouette of Seal’s body embroidered on the front (or is it the back?) of his cap as if to say, “Hey, you remember ’95, baby!”  You shake your head, denying his push for agreement, as if to say, “I want no part of it” but other people at the bus stop have noticed the exchange, including the cute girl, who looks at you and thinks, “Oh wait, never mind, he likes Seal.”

Yes, you did just stumble on a big pile of cool.

Poof. 

It’s just a dream.  These things can’t really exist, right?

Wrong. Two of the three products are out of stock (only the iPhone cover is available at this time).  Who is buying these?  Why are these in demand? Is anyone else besides me very concerned about this? In the comments section, under “New Merchandise Store”, apparent Seal fan “Maggie Walsh” wrote on December 12, 2012: “Its rubbish! THREE items and two are out of stock!!! Where can I buy Seal merchandise? There must be some somewhere…”  These are concerns.  These are concerns of a person. That’s breathing. On her own accord.  It’s as if she ran into the street in some Charlton Heston-like scamper screaming, “Where?! Where?! Please help me find Seal merchandise! Please! I beg of you!”

The whole time I have been writing this, the song “Crazy”, Seal’s first hit, has been playing in my head.  That song was released in 1990. I didn’t get it then and I sure don’t get it now. I looked up the words. What is this song about? Great music, poetry, and even prose can and should be interpreted in multiple ways, but I can’t get past these lyrics. For instance, the lines: “Only child know/Them things/The size/Of which you've never known before/Someday”.  Is that a penis reference?  I’m supposed to dance to this? 

Perhaps his worst contribution came in 1995 with the No. 1 hit “Kiss From A Rose”.  I say it is his worst because that song has staying power.  You could hear it today in the confines of any dental or podiatry office in the country.  Admittedly, the lyrics aren’t that bad, but it lingers. 

Beyond that, I cannot identify another Seal song.  Two songs in 23 years and I have to see a poster of him every day?  Not worthy.  If you are going to fire out a Seal poster, why not Tone Loc? He had two hits: “Wild Thing” about sex and “Funky Cold Medina” about giving a roofie to your dog (see verse two). Is he any less deserving? Make that case. I dare you. 

This makes us feel better. Not.

Even more reason to hate Seal: he married ultra-babe Heidi Klum.  They had kids. But, wait I’m not done there.  Not only did he marry ultra-babe Heidi Klum, he dropped the ball and Heidi Klum divorced him in 2012.  Rumors swirled that she cheated with their bodyguard, but can you blame her?  You’re a vixen and you wake up every day next to a velociraptor.  In an interview with Katie Couric last fall, Heidi Klum said she thought they would be together forever.  They have four kids.  Seal, lock it down, brother.  You do what you need to do, my friend, but you can’t let that cat stray.  If you wrote “Crazy” about that, I might understand.

Seal hasn’t had a hit since O.J. was on trial (Do I like O.J. better than Seal? Hello, next blog post…). He sells magnets of himself. He blew it with one of the hottest women in the world.  In the final analysis, I have learned one thing: even though I never knew why I hated Seal, it took me only a few clicks to realize I was right.  Now I can drive past that poster tomorrow at peace, with calm in my heart, knowing full well, with the utmost confidence and integrity, that my hatred of Seal is, alas, justified.  

I hope this prose has inspired you. Do yourself a favor: go figure out why you hate someone. It will set you free.