Fake College Football Playoffs: Crimson Tide shuts down Baylor to win Chick-fil-A Bowl

Note: This is a simulation of a college football bowl playoff scenario. Read the full proposal here.

ATLANTA - Entering the NCAA Championship Tournament, fans and pundits alike circled the Chick-fil-A Bowl and the first-round matchup between Baylor and Alabama. It was destined to be a dog fight and it did not disappoint.

The Crimson Tide used its stout defense and some luck to defeat the Bears 17-10 and advance to the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl on December 28 against the winner of the Nokia Sugar Bowl - either Ohio State or rival Auburn.

Late in the third quarter with the score tied at 10, Baylor was driving and headed towards the end zone on the Alabama 12-yard line when RB Lache Seastrunk fumbled.  The ball was recovered and returned 40 yards by DT Darren Lake.  The turnover set up what would eventually be the go-ahead and deciding score, a one-yard touchdown run by Alabama's T.J. Yeldon.

Both teams went scoreless in the fourth quarter.  Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron was perfect, hitting three consecutive passes late in the quarter to maintain possession. This opened the door for Yeldon, who gained 17 of his game-total 62 yards on three straight carries to run down the clock and ice the game for the Crimson Tide.

Capital One Bowl: Stanford moves on with gritty effort over Michigan State

Note: This is a simulation of a college football bowl playoff scenario. Read the full proposal here.

ORLANDO, FL - Stanford and Michigan State play a similar style - hard-nosed, defensively sound football and it showed here in the Capital One Bowl in Orlando as the Cardinal edged the Spartans 24-21 in the midday heat and opening round of the NCAA Championship Tournament.

The game was decided between the hashes. Stanford, led by Anthony Wilkerson, rushed for 161 yards, helping to occupy 36:30 minutes of ball possession for the Cardinal.  Even more dominate was the Stanford defense, holding Michigan State to a measly six rushing yards.

Stanford started very quickly with a strong opening drive capped off by a short one-yard TD pass from Kevin Hogan to Kodi Whitfield. This was followed by the only turnover of the entire game, an interception by Stanford's Wayne Lyons that was promptly turned into another Cardinal scoring drive as Hogan hit Gaffney for a 16-yard TD score. After a Jordan Williamson field goal, Stanford had a commanding 17-0 lead as the game neared halftime.

However, the Spartans would not exit the first half quietly. QB Connor Cook was outstanding and exposed passing potential for the second half.  He hit Monty Madaris for a six-yard TD as time expired, giving the Spartans a boost headed to the locker room, despite trailing 17-7.

Michigan State received the ball to begin the second half, only to be stopped in Stanford territory on two definitive defensive stands. On third and just inches, Cook was hammered for a loss on an attempted option play.  MSU Coach Mark D'Antonio decided to go for it on fourth down and was once again turned away by the Stanford defense as Cook was forced to throw the ball away. The momentum that Michigan State had ceased at the end of the first half was relinquished.

Michigan State did not give up the fight, pushing the ball down field and scoring on a Jeremy Langford TD run.  Stanford countered with a scoring drive of their own as Ty Montgomery caught a 2-yard TD pass.  Despite a late run by MSU and a great TD catch by Gleichert, the Spartan defense could not stop Stanford on the ensuing drive, allowing the Cardinal to run out the clock to a 24-21 win.

Stanford now moves on in the NCAA Tournament to the Discover Orange Bowl in Miami in what will be a virtual home game for the winner of the Florida State-Central Florida first-round Rose Bowl game.

Fake College Football Playoffs: Recap of Dec. 20 Bowls

Note: This is a simulation of a college football bowl playoff scenario. Read the full proposal here.

Gildan New Mexico Bowl
Northwestern 41, Indiana 10

In a Big Ten rematch, the Northwestern Wildcats made this no match as they rolled over the Indiana Hoosiers 41-10 at the Gildan New Mexico Bowl in Albuquerque.  After both teams finished disappointing seasons - particularly the Wildcats - Northwestern came out firing against a weak Indiana defense. Perhaps the brightest spot for NU was the return of QB Kain Colter, who battled through countless injuries, threw for 353 yards and 4 TD's in one of his most impressive games of the year.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Utah State 20, Western Kentucky 17

It was a back-and-forth affair on the blue turf at Bronco Stadium, but Utah State was able to slip past Western Kentucky 20-17 in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl in Boise.  Trailing 17-13 with just 43 seconds left to play, Aggies' QB Dare Garretson connected with TE Bruce Natson on a 16-yard-touchdown pass that would prove to be the game winner.  Garretson and Natson proved to be an effective combination throughout the game.  Garretson passed for 302 yards and 2 TD's, while Natson had seven receptions for 99 yards.  It was USU's first bowl win since visiting Boise in the same bowl in 2011.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Maryland 27, North Texas 7

Maryland brought a stout run defense to the Big Easy, holding North Texas to just 28 rushing yards in a 27-7 victory in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl.  The Mean Green were shutout until the waning minutes of the fourth quarter as the Terrapins remained in control the entire game. Maryland QB C.J. Brown led the way with one of the more impressive performances of the post season thus far, tallying 307 yards and 3 TD's as he completed 75 percent of his passes.  His favorite target was Stefon Diggs, who caught a TD and 129 yards worth of passes.  It was Maryland's first bowl victory since 2010.

Fake College Football Playoffs: Opening Night: FBS II Tournament Begins

Note: This is a simulation of a college football bowl playoff scenario. Read the full proposal here.

The inaugural NCAA Bowl Tournament opened tonight, marking a historical change in the sport. The FBS II Playoffs, comprised of what was formally known as Non-AQ (Automatic Qualifier) conference champions. The initial games of this playoff did not disappoint.

Rice 27, Ball State 24
In Houston, it was a tale of two halves as Rice came back to defeat Ball State 27-24 in the Wild Card round of the FBS II Bowl Championship Tournament.

The Cardinals dominated the first half, establishing a 24-10 lead before heading to the locker room. BSU QB Keith Wenning threw for three touchdowns in the second quarter alone, highlighted by 48 yard strike to Will Snead.

Rice's Klein Kubiak catches the GW TD in the Owls' 27-24 win over Ball State.

Following intermission, the Owls awoke.  The stingy Rice defense shutout the high-flying Cardinals offense as the rain fell in Houston.  Meanwhile, Rice QB Taylor McHargue did what was necessary to get the win. With just 42 seconds remaining in the game, trailing 24-20, McHargue found Klein Kubiak in the end zone on a third down play. The pass and ensuing PAT put Rice up for good at 27-24.

McHargue finished his night with a QB rating of 191.3, completed 19/24 for 242 yards and the two touchdowns.  

Northern Illinois 17, Louisiana-Lafayette 6

NIU QB Jordan Lynch slides in for a 1st quarter TD.

The NIU Huskies took their defense and toughness to the bayou and knocked out the ULL Ragin' Cajuns in a hard-fought battle.

The Huskies held ULL to just 201 yards of total offense, of which only 74 were produced on the ground.  While NIU's offense was not much more potent, NIU QB and Heisman finalist Jordan Lynch did his part in the win. Lynch threw for 173 yards and two touchdowns and rushed for another TD.
A key interception in the fourth quarter by NIU LB Michael Santacaterina sealed the win for NIU.  It was one of two forced turnovers on the day for the Huskies.


FBS II Semifinals Set
On Christmas Day, the FBS II Playoffs will continue with Rice traveling to Bowling Green for a 3:30 kickoff.  Northern Illinois, because they are a Wild Card team and therefore ranked lower than Rice, will travel to Fresno State for an evening clash with the top-seeded Bulldogs.  The winners from those games will go on to play for the FBS II National Championship in the Heart of Dallas Bowl on January 2.

Fake College Football Playoffs: Schedule of Games Now Available

Note: I have come up with my own college football playoff scenario because I'm nerdy like that.  I really want to cement my nerdiness so I am going to simulate the playoff scenario using EA Sports' NCAA Football 14. Click here to read the original proposal. I will be updating this site as games are completed. 

The complete schedule for the fake 2013-2014 NCAA Bowl Championship has been released and I believe you will find some intriguing match ups below. Note that the games in orange are part of the FBS II playoffs while the games in yellow are part of the FBS I playoffs.

You can expect game recaps and information as they are played.  Enjoy!

Let's Pretend: My College Football Playoff Solution

Note: This is me "nerding out" in football fashion. I recently had knee surgery and I'm glued to my recliner. I figured that I would put this together to occupy my time for a bit. 

Since 1998, college football fans have had to endure the agony of the Bowl Championship Series, also known as the BCS, to determine who would play for the national championship. It has been one of the more contentious issues in sports with many high and low points over the years where teams who deserved a chance to play for the national championship  be left out of the big game (see "2004 USC Trojans") to having teams with no business being in "the big game" being thrashed (see "2004 Oklahoma Sooners").

Once Florida State and Auburn play in this year's National Championship game, the BCS will disappear.  It's replacement will bring some controversy, but much more satisfaction as the top four teams will battle for college supremacy in a tournament-style bowl series. It's an improvement - but I believe we can do better.

For a few years now, just because it is fun, I have been coming up with my own plan to determine college football's national championship.  It is a complicated matter; like anything, no one will be entirely satisfied, but this plan, known as the Bowl Championship Tournament (BCT) offers more competition, fairness, and clearer results than the BCS.  That said, let's play pretend.  I'd like to introduce you to my college football playoff proposal:

Conference-based, eight-team playoff
There are now six BCS conferences: ACC, American, Big Ten, Big 12, Pac 12, and SEC.  Each of these conferences crown a champion using a conference championship game at the end of the regular season.  To set up the tournament, all BCS conference winners will be included in the playoff field as well as two "Wild Cards".  How do we get the Wild Cards?  We keep the BCS.  I know, I know - I hate it just like you, but the BCS actually works well as a seeding system.  Once you take the conference champs, you then take the next highest-ranked BCS schools that were not conference champions.  The 2013 BCT would setup this way with teams listed by tournament seed, conference affiliation, and BCS ranking:

1. Florida State, ACC Champions, BCS No. 1
2. Auburn, SEC Champions, BCS No. 2
3. Alabama, Wild Card, BCS No. 3
4. Michigan State, Big Ten Champions, BCS No. 4
5. Stanford, Pac-12 Champions, BCS No. 5
6. Baylor, Big 12 Champions, BCS No. 6
7. Ohio State, Wild Card, BCS No. 7
8. Central Florida, American Conference Champions, BCS No. 15

Note that the wild card teams were not conference champions, but were brought into the tournament as the next two highest seeded, non-conference champion teams.  Even though Central Florida is ranked No. 15 in the BCS, they clinched an automatic bid with their conference championship.  While some may argue that there are several more deserving teams for that eighth playoff spot besides UCF, the answer is pretty simple: if you are not going to recognize conference champions, why bother?  The NCAA basketball tournaments use conference championships to award automatic bids and it tends to work pretty well there.  

No system is perfect. That said, if you look at the eight teams listed above, we can feel confident that the team emerging from this field will be a true national champion.  

Wait. What about Bowling Green or Fresno State?

There is plenty of palace lies in college football so let's not get ourselves caught up in another one.  Non-BCS conferences, such as the MAC, Sun Belt, etc. are simply not on par with the talent of BCS conferences.  For example, while Northern Illinois' run in 2012 was fun and they were the darling "BCS
buster", how many of you really stuck around for the end of the Orange Bowl, when Florida State smashed the Huskies 31-10?

That's what I thought.  

Given that, my proposal would be to operate a separate playoff for non-BCS conferences. The talent would be more level and we could see those sort of Cinderella stories continue even if you lose some of the "David vs. Goliath" match ups that end up being terrible anyway.  Plus, it gives teams from these weaker conferences hope. Right now, in the current system and the forthcoming playoff system, schools in these "second tier" conferences begin their seasons knowing full well that they will not win a championship.  It's just how it is.  By creating a two-tier system and adding a playoff exclusively for these non-BCS conferences, there is opportunity for more meaningful football.  

That said, my proposal would be to take the Football Bowl Subdivision (FBS) and create FBS I and FBS II.  FBS I would be include schools currently in the BCS conferences mentioned above; FBS II would be composed of non-BCS conference schools.  These conferences include: Conference USA, MAC, Mountain West, and Sun Belt. There would be four conference champions automatically eligible for the playoffs with two wild cards making for a smaller field. The format would be the same as the NFL Playoffs where the top two seeds would receive first-round byes. Notice that even though Northern Illinois is the second-highest ranked BCS school in the FBS II, they only made it as a wild card due to their loss in the MAC Championship. This gave Bowling Green, as it turns out, a first-round bye.  

Just as is the case with the FBS I playoffs, this playoff field would also selected and seeded based on the good ol' BCS.  The 2013 field would look like this:

1. Fresno State, Mountain West Champions, BCS No. 20
2. Bowling Green, MAC Champions, BCS No. 31
3. Rice, Conference USA Champions, BCS No. 33
4. Louisiana-Lafayette, Sun Belt Champions, BCS No. 66
5. Northern Illinois, Wild Card, BCS No. 23
6. Ball State, Wild Card, BCS No. 35

Yes, the 66th-ranked team in the nation made the playoffs. If your school wants to make the playoffs, encourage it to join the Sun Belt.

Wait. What about Notre Dame? What about the independents?  

This is where there is controversy.  Each independent team needs to do one of two things: 1) join a conference already or 2) declare themselves either a FBS I or II school.  If they do not join a conference, their only way into the championship tournament would be to earn a wild card.  Some may call that unfair, but these schools will have plenty of offers to join conferences.  It's time to get with the trend, no matter the panache that independence carries. 

Will the bowl games disappear?  

No way. Bowl games are the gems of college football. The bowl games would become part of each tournament.  For instance, the national champion could play in three bowl games. Some may argue that it sounds like a lot, but it can be easily refuted to all parties involved.  For the schools and conferences, the winners of each bowl game could collect the payout, offering their school an opportunity for a huge payout.  For the players and coaches, more national exposure can increase visibility for future opportunities in the draft and other coaching opportunities, respectively.  There will be certainly be a case made that adding games would create further player safety issues.  If that is a concern, cut back on a cupcake game at the beginning of the season.  Create a standard number of games that each team must play to be "tournament eligible".  There will also be those concerned with missed class time.  Now that you have stopped laughing, this can easily be resolved by starting the tournament after most schools have completed finals week.  

The bowl games will be utilized within the FBS I tournament only, while the FBS II tournament will use only one bowl game for its championship (more on that in a moment).  Exactly which bowls will be used in each round will be determined by payouts. Yes, it is about the money.  That said, here are the bowls that would be used for the FBS I Tournament by round:

• National Championship Game, Pasadena, CA - $18 million payout
• Semifinal Games:
• Discover Orange Bowl, Miami Gardens, FL - $17 million payout
• Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, Glendale, AZ - $17 million payout
• First Round Games:
• Rose Bowl, Pasadena, FL - $17 million payout (features No. 1 ranked team)
• Sugar Bowl, New Orleans, LA - $17 million payout (features No. 2 ranked team)
• Chick-Fil-A Bowl, Atlanta,GA, $~7 million payout - currently split between two schools (features No. 3 ranked team)
• Capital One Bowl, Orlando, FL, $4.55 million payout (features No. 4 ranked team)

These bowls can rotate throughout the years, just as they do now with the national championship game.  This part is always up for debate and can be altered in many ways. This is just an example.

What about the rest of the bowls?

They aren't going anywhere.  What's a December without a semi-meaningless bowl game or 30?  Before we go semi-meaningless, let's address the FBS II playoff locations.  These smaller programs actually lose money when they bust the BCS and go to larger bowl games.  This was widely reported with MAC schools, including Northern Illinois in 2012 and Bowling Green here in 2013. Travel expenses, inability of small fan bases to travel and purchase pricey tickets are some of the culprits.  Having said that, FBS II playoff games would be played on the home fields of the highest-ranked school in each game.  Wild card teams, despite their rankings, would not be able to host a tournament game, while the top seed, which would be Fresno State this year, has home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.  The FBS II National Championship Game, much like the Super Bowl, would then head to a neutral site of an existing bowl.  This year, because it is the highest payout featuring a non-Automatic Qualifying (non-AQ) school, the national championship will be played in the Heart of Dallas Bowl.  

Wait. Aren't there like 5,000 bowls?

Close.  Once we use the bowls for both playoffs, we are left with a whopping 27 bowls.  Who plays in those? The rest of the teams, of course.  Now we are going to look at the FBS as one big happy family and once again return to the BCS rankings to fill in these bowl slots.  We will sort the bowl games by payout; the higher the payout, the higher the rankings of the teams to play. Conference tie-ins are gone.  We are now going by rankings to match teams with like opponents, as close as possible, to ensure better games. Below is a list of bowl games for the hypothetical 2013 post season featuring the teams and their BCS rankings:

• Cotton Bowl Classic: 9 South Carolina vs. 8 Missouri
• Gator Bowl: 11 Oklahoma vs. 10 Oregon
• Outback Bowl: 13 Oklahoma State vs. 12 Clemson
• Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl: 16 LSU vs. 14 Arizona State
• Alamo Bowl: 18 Louisville vs. 17 UCLA
• Russell Athletic Bowl: 21 Texas A&M vs. 19 Wisconsin
• Holiday Bowl: 24 Duke vs. 22 Georgia
• Sun Bowl: 26 Notre Dame vs. 25 USC
• Music City Bowl: 28 Washington vs. 27 Miami (FL)
• Pinstripe Bowl: 30 Texas vs. 29 Cincinnati
• Belk Bowl: 34 Iowa vs. 32 Vanderbilt
• Texas Bowl:  37 Virginia Tech vs. 36 Minnesota
• Liberty Bowl: 39 Ole Miss vs. 37 Nebraska
• Advocare V100 Bowl: 41 Arizona vs. 40 BYU
• Las Vegas Bowl: 43 Mississippi State vs. 41 Michigan
• BBVA Compass Bowl: 45 Kansas State vs. 44 Washington State
• Military Bowl: 47 Houston vs. 45 Georgia Tech
• Fight Hunger Bowl: 49 Boston College vs. 48 Oregon State
• Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: 50 Navy vs. 50 Texas Tech
• GoDaddy Bowl: 53 Pittsburgh vs. 52 East Carolina
• Hawaii Bowl: 55 Boise State vs. 54 Utah
• Armed Forces Bowl: 57 Tennessee vs. 56 Toledo
• Beef O Brady's Bowl: 59 Syracuse vs. 58 North Carolina
• New Orleans Bowl: 61 Maryland vs. 60 North Texas
• Poinsettia Bowl: 63 Marshall vs. 62 Buffalo
• New Mexico Bowl: 65 Northwestern vs. 63 Indiana
• Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: 68 Western Kentucky vs. 67 Utah State

There are certainly some interesting match ups here.  The Notre Dame/USC rivalry is renewed.  Mississippi State and Michigan would be a fun one to watch, along with Mizzou/South Carolina, and many more. There are story lines here.  Some of these are only 5-win teams, which could change, but let's keep it as is for right now.

Ok, now what, nerd?  

Given the fact that I'm laid up for a while and I absolutely love this sort of dumb stuff, I'm going to play this out for you.  I'm going to blog about it and pretend it is real.  You should buy in too.  Why the heck not?  I'll sim the games using EA Sports' NCAA Football 14.  I'll report the results right here and we will see where things end up.

Scheduled and tournament bracket to follow...

Welcome to the 2013 Bowl Championship Tournament!

    

Why Do I Hate Seal?

Two Scientists and a Scientific Mystery

Each day, on my way home, I turn onto Inner Lake Shore Drive on Chicago’s beautiful North Side and pass a bus stop.  Behind the bundled city goers is a large advertisement for “The Rock Stars of Science”, a campaign founded by Aerosmith’s Joe Perry to rightfully elevate scientists to “rock star status” for their contributions to humanity.  It is a very cool effort that is highlighting the work of wonderful people. 

On this poster for “Rock S.O.S.”, as it is dubbed, there are three gentlemen, two scientists and one familiar face sitting on a stool.  That would be the musician Seal.  Each day, when I drive by that bus stop and see Seal sitting there, on that stool, on that poster, I can only think one thing:

“I really hate that guy.”

Today was the first time I truly considered that statement.  I drove up a couple blocks and parked my car, the entire time thinking, “Why do I hate Seal?”  This is a great question.  Seriously.  There are people that have graced this world that we absolutely despise.  Some of these people for obvious reasons – Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Yoko, etc.  But I am finding that as I grow older and perhaps more jaded and cynical (but otherwise utterly delightful), I hate people just because, well, I hate those bastards.  But why Seal?  I needed to do some soul searching, or as they say these days, Google a bunch of stuff.

I didn’t want to just jump in and hammer on the guy.  I could go the easy route.  I could make face jokes.  I could.  I could say his face looks like he had been caught in a hail storm.  I could say that he should be called “Snake”, not “Seal”, because he looks like a python.  I could go there, but I won’t.  I needed some information because I’m trying to talk myself through the hate and find some solid, logical reasoning. 

When I Googled “Seal”, I ended up his getting ugly face, but I also received lots of pictures of actual seals, and, by God, even baby seals.  That’s a good 15-20 minutes of time right there, baby seal picture watching. There was also information about the U.S. Navy Seals so I had to watch some YouTubes of training, shooting, and other stuff to get the meathead in me brewing.  Even Googling Seal’s damn name is distracting.  I suppose Sting might be worse because not only do I get “Desert Rose” hits, but I also get links to WebMD and pictures of strange insects, but I digress.

It turns out that Seal has a website – www.seal.com.  It seems like “Seal.com” would be reserved for something more deserving – seal conservation, Navy Seal veterans, whatever  – but it’s as if the Internet was invented and Al Gore said, “Whatever you do, save Seal.com for my man, Seal. I owe him one.”

Could I borrow your iPhone? Oh wait, I'm good.

If you venture on to Seal.com, you will find a biography, discography, and other Web standards for musician sites.  My favorite diversion was “Merchandise”.  You read that correctly: THEY SELL SEAL MERCHANDISE.  There are three items in the store: a refrigerator magnet with a silhouette of Seal’s weird naked-ass body on it; an iPhone case with a silhouette of Seal’s weird naked-ass body on it; and one of those Samuel L. Jackson, white-guys-should-not-wear-these hats with a silhouette of Seal’s weird naked-ass body on it.  Imagine any of these items existing anywhere in the real world.  Imagine walking into someone’s kitchen, grazing through the fridge for that emergency Toblerone, only to find it, shut the fridge and lose your lunch because you spotted a Seal magnet.  Imagine having your car break down in the middle of a desert with no cell phone and a person finally shows after hours baking in the relentless desert sun.  You beg them, “Can I please use your phone? Please!” They hand you their iPhone and it has a Seal case.  You wait for the next car.  Imagine standing in line for the bus and look over to see some fat white guy wearing the “Seal Flat Cap” backwards.  You make eye contact.  He smiles, upwardly nods his head, and points to the weird naked-ass silhouette of Seal’s body embroidered on the front (or is it the back?) of his cap as if to say, “Hey, you remember ’95, baby!”  You shake your head, denying his push for agreement, as if to say, “I want no part of it” but other people at the bus stop have noticed the exchange, including the cute girl, who looks at you and thinks, “Oh wait, never mind, he likes Seal.”

Yes, you did just stumble on a big pile of cool.

Poof. 

It’s just a dream.  These things can’t really exist, right?

Wrong. Two of the three products are out of stock (only the iPhone cover is available at this time).  Who is buying these?  Why are these in demand? Is anyone else besides me very concerned about this? In the comments section, under “New Merchandise Store”, apparent Seal fan “Maggie Walsh” wrote on December 12, 2012: “Its rubbish! THREE items and two are out of stock!!! Where can I buy Seal merchandise? There must be some somewhere…”  These are concerns.  These are concerns of a person. That’s breathing. On her own accord.  It’s as if she ran into the street in some Charlton Heston-like scamper screaming, “Where?! Where?! Please help me find Seal merchandise! Please! I beg of you!”

The whole time I have been writing this, the song “Crazy”, Seal’s first hit, has been playing in my head.  That song was released in 1990. I didn’t get it then and I sure don’t get it now. I looked up the words. What is this song about? Great music, poetry, and even prose can and should be interpreted in multiple ways, but I can’t get past these lyrics. For instance, the lines: “Only child know/Them things/The size/Of which you've never known before/Someday”.  Is that a penis reference?  I’m supposed to dance to this? 

Perhaps his worst contribution came in 1995 with the No. 1 hit “Kiss From A Rose”.  I say it is his worst because that song has staying power.  You could hear it today in the confines of any dental or podiatry office in the country.  Admittedly, the lyrics aren’t that bad, but it lingers. 

Beyond that, I cannot identify another Seal song.  Two songs in 23 years and I have to see a poster of him every day?  Not worthy.  If you are going to fire out a Seal poster, why not Tone Loc? He had two hits: “Wild Thing” about sex and “Funky Cold Medina” about giving a roofie to your dog (see verse two). Is he any less deserving? Make that case. I dare you. 

This makes us feel better. Not.

Even more reason to hate Seal: he married ultra-babe Heidi Klum.  They had kids. But, wait I’m not done there.  Not only did he marry ultra-babe Heidi Klum, he dropped the ball and Heidi Klum divorced him in 2012.  Rumors swirled that she cheated with their bodyguard, but can you blame her?  You’re a vixen and you wake up every day next to a velociraptor.  In an interview with Katie Couric last fall, Heidi Klum said she thought they would be together forever.  They have four kids.  Seal, lock it down, brother.  You do what you need to do, my friend, but you can’t let that cat stray.  If you wrote “Crazy” about that, I might understand.

Seal hasn’t had a hit since O.J. was on trial (Do I like O.J. better than Seal? Hello, next blog post…). He sells magnets of himself. He blew it with one of the hottest women in the world.  In the final analysis, I have learned one thing: even though I never knew why I hated Seal, it took me only a few clicks to realize I was right.  Now I can drive past that poster tomorrow at peace, with calm in my heart, knowing full well, with the utmost confidence and integrity, that my hatred of Seal is, alas, justified.  

I hope this prose has inspired you. Do yourself a favor: go figure out why you hate someone. It will set you free.